


[One]

by NerdsbianHokie



Series: [Three] [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Drinking, F/F, Homophobia, Major Character Injury, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 05:57:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 12,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9806177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie
Summary: Because she can’t go after a driver who didn’t look before merging the same way she could a hostile enemy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In other parts of [Three], I have talked about an accident Maggie and Lucy get into, that leads to Alex relapsing back to the bottle.
> 
> This is that story.
> 
> It will have a happy ending, as I have set stories in this series after all of this takes place, but during the story, there will be mostly angst.
> 
> There will be drinking.  
> There will also be instances of homophobia.

When a person enters a field of work in which their life is put in danger, they come to believe that if anything happened to them, it would be while on the job.

Their friends and family come to the same belief.

It is, of course, a ridiculous belief, as the danger of the world is not linked to the safety of a job.

The world is not more dangerous for those in safe jobs.  Librarians and accountants and web developers do not have to dodge falling knives everywhere they go.

The world is not safer for those in dangerous jobs.  Construction workers and firefighters and taxi drivers still have to look both ways before crossing the street.

Alex Danvers knows this.  Logically.  Just because she fights aliens and shady organization for a living does not mean she is exempt from the everyday dangers.  The same logic should - logically - apply to her girlfriends as well.  It’s all logic.

And yet, when Kara comes through her window, eyes wide, voice too fast, Alex can’t believe what she is hearing.

There is just no way.

Her girlfriends are badasses.

Her girlfriends can take down enemies twice their size.

Her girlfriends are fearless and brave and no.

No.  No.  No.

But Kara keeps nodding her head.  And Kara is taking two steps forward for every step Alex takes back.  And Kara is pulling her into her arms.  And everything is breaking.

Alex is breaking.

Because every time they go on an op, she is ready for the possibility.

Because every time she goes on an op, they are ready for the possibility.

Because she has never considered a car merging into their bike as a possibility at all.

Because, logically, she must have.  Logically, she knows the statistics, knows the chances, knows the risks, but her mind has made those risks seem so small next to what they face at work.

Because she can’t go after a driver who didn’t look before merging the same way she could a hostile enemy.

Because there is nothing she can do.

So, Alex breaks.

She doesn’t sob - that comes later.  She doesn’t scream.  She doesn’t shout.  Doesn’t curse the world and everything in it - later, later.

Alex doesn’t break in violence.  Alex breaks in stillness.

The world freezes.  A blanket of static settles over her brain.  She loses her hands, her feet, her arms, her entire body as numbness spreads.

And Kara just holds her.  holds her as if she is waiting for her to break, without realizing that she already has, that her brain is fracturing, splintering, departing from her body and taking her heart with it.

At some point, Kara gets her to the hospital, gets her into a waiting room.

At some point, James joins them, M’gann joins them.  At some point, J’onn and Winn appear as well.

At some point a nurse comes in, and the nurse refuses to give them information, and they aren’t family, aren’t family, it’s against hospital policy.

Alex can’t speak.  Words won’t even form in her brain to be stuck in her throat, to die on her tongue

But Kara can, her words washing right over Alex until the nurse turns and stares and something crosses over her face.

Something that makes Alex want to hide, and vanish, and run away.  And her girlfriends could be dying, and they won’t tell her anything, and the nurse is looking at her like that, and it’s too much.

Only, Alex is already numb and Alex is already broken.

And Kara’s apologies wash over.  And Alex didn’t notice that J’onn left, but he walks back in.

With news.

Alex doesn’t care how he got it.  Alex doesn’t care about the details.

Maggie and Lucy are alive.

For now.

The world begins to move.

The world moves faster and faster until everything blurs around her.

People moving, coming and going.

There is food in her hands.  She is being told to eat.

J’onn brings occasional updates.

They are alive.  Alive.  Alive.

But only barely so.

The Lanes arrive.

Lois and Ella.

There is more food.

The General arrives.

She passes out.

She wakes curled up, head in Kara’s lap.

Food.

Alive.

Alive.

Food.

Sleep.

The Sawyers arrive.

She wakes, pressed against James.

She wakes, Kara and J’onn and Winn are gone.

James explains, his words almost too quiet for her to hear.

Alien attack.

Other side of the city.

And she tries to stand, tries to go.

Because it is her job.

Because maybe doing something will help.

Because, because, because…

But James holds her tight, and James is talking, and she hears none of it, because a nurse is walking it.

A nurse is walking in with a doctor.

A doctor is walking in.

Walking to the Sawyers.

And, God.

Maggie.

Alex can’t hear what is said, but the doctor is leading the Sawyers out of the room, and the nurse keeps shooting Alex a look, and Maggie’s mother keeps eying her through tears, and Maggie’s father is full-on glaring at her.

And Alex can’t breath.

And Alex mutters something about going home.

And Alex is running.

And Alex is on a beach.

She blinks.  Once.  Twice.

The world slows down.  It doesn’t freeze, but is no longer a blur.  It’s her, and the tide, and the sea air.

The moon is reflecting off the water.

Her ass is wet from the waves creeping up to where she sits.

The bottle in her hand is cheap, dark, and unopened.

The bottle in her hand is cheap, dark, and open.

And she stares.

Two months.

Two months since her last drink.

Since Maggie and Lucy helped her clean out the apartment, helped her get rid of every bottle.

Since they talked to M’gann and made sure every bartender she had knew not to serve Alex alcohol.

Three days.

Three days since she last saw Maggie and Lucy.

Three days of fear and pain hiding beneath the layer of numb.  Three days of snide looks, of judgment, of hate beneath the layer of professionalism.

The first gulp burns.  It settles in her stomach, warm and heavy.

The second gulp burns.  It sets fire to her throat, and brings tears to her eyes.

The third gulp burns.  She can’t stop the tears.  They aren’t just from the alcohol anymore.

The fourth burns.

And the fifth.

Then she stops feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex sleeps on the beach, passing out drunk, and only waking within two hours because the tide is coming in and the Pacific is cold.

The bottle is tossed in a recycling bin.  She is still drunk from it’s contents.  There is sand in her everywhere.  Her jeans are still soaked when she pulls her Ducati into it’s spot in the garage.

Alex stumbles into her apartment - into their apartment - and doesn’t understand.

It looks the same.  It looks like she could find Maggie and Lucy cuddled in bed.  It looks like they could walk in behind her at any moment.

Lucy’s cover sits on the table next to the door, instead of hanging on its hook.  Maggie’s latest novel lays open, spine creasing, on the island.  Their dishes from breakfast are still in the drying rack next to the sink.

Alex doesn’t understand.

Shouldn’t it look like their lives had been overturned?  Shouldn’t it look like everything had gone to hell?  Shouldn’t it-

Alex’s heart skips a beat when she catches sight of the dog bed in the corner.  The empty dog bed.

“Mandy?”

She holds her breath as she listens, for nails on floor, for barking or whining, or anything.  There is nothing.

“Mandy.  Here girl.”

Nothing.

Alex’s heart pounds in her ears.  Her lungs won’t pull in enough air.  The spot right below her sternum grows heavy.

She fumbles for her phone as she circles around the apartment.  She’s moving through the kitchen as she gets it out of her pocket.  She’s in the bathroom when she finds Kara’s name in her contact list.  She’s looking under the bed when Kara answers.

_ “Alex?  Where are you?” _

The question washes over her.  “Where’s Mandy?”

_ “What?” _

Alex sits, back against the bed, knees pulled to her chest.  “Mandy.  She isn’t here.  I can’t find her and she isn’t here and I’ve looked but I can’t find her…”

The words continue, the same phrases repeated over and over, as arms wrap around her, as she is pulled into her sister’s hug.

Kara murmurs softly until Alex’s rambles stop, until Alex is just breathing deeply as she stares at the wall.

“Vasquez has Mandy,” Kara tells her.

Alex nods, but her body doesn’t process the information.  Her muscles are still tense.  Her chest still hurts.

“Do you want to tell me where you went?”

Kara is worried.  Kara cares.  Kara just wants to make sure she is alright.

She isn’t.

“Beach.”

Kara hums.  Kara probably remembers the amount of time Alex spent on the beach the months after they had been told that her father was dead.  Kara shifts, Kara stiffens for a moment.

Alex knows what she’s going to ask before she does.

“Alex, did you…did you drink while at the beach?”

Alex shakes her head.  Alex hopes the ocean salt hides the alcohol in her sweat.  Alex hopes the gum she had chewed the entire way home hides the alcohol on her breath.  Alex hopes that she still remembers how to hide the fact that she’s still drunk, that she hasn’t even reached her hangover.

It must work, because Kara relaxes.

Alex pushes down the guilt gnawing at her stomach.  It was one slip.  One bottle.  One mistake.  It does not mean that she is going to do it again.

And she isn’t.

She just needed the one night.

It is only going to be one night.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?”

“They won’t tell me anything.”

“Lois will.”

Alex’s neck twinges at the speed she turns to Kara with.  Kara nods.

“Lucy?”

Kara takes a deep breath.  “Out of surgery, last we heard, and strong.  She has some fractured vertebrae, but they’re more worried about, um, brain damage.”

Alex looks back at the wall, the numbness that had begun to slip away retaking it’s hold on her.

“And, Maggie…”  Kara’s voice is soft.  “I, uh, overheard the doctors.  She has a lung puncture they didn’t notice, and it sounded like it was complicating things.”

Alex fights the numbness enough to take a shower herself, as, according to Kara, she smells like rotting seaweed.

Alex fights the numbness enough to brush her teeth, to put on clean clothes, to eat the bagel Kara toasted for her, to answer Kara’s questions as Kara drives Maggie’s car to the hospital.

It becomes harder to fight the closer they get to the hospital, the closer they get to the waiting room, the closer they get to the disgusted looks and the comments Alex hadn’t heard, but Kara had.

Lois Lane is walking out of the waiting room as they walk up.  She takes one look at Alex and pulls her into a hug.

And all Alex can think is that Lois hugs nothing like her sister.

Lois is too tall.

Lois is too pliant.

Lois isn’t firm enough, doesn’t smell right.

Alex lets Lois hug her, lets Lois fuss over the red rims under her eyes.

Alex listens as Lois gives them an update, listens as Lois repeats what the doctor had told her.

The helmet had saved her life.

That they had been going only 35 miles per hour had probably saved her life.

They don’t believe the spinal fractures would impact her mobility, but have to wait until she is conscious to know for sure.

They also have to wait until she wakes to know how extensive the damage to her brain is.

The fight against the numbness is even harder when Alex finally walks into the waiting room.

Because she has all of these details floating around her brain.

Because all of these details are teaming up with her medical education to give her the worst case scenarios.

Because General Lane is watching her as if he wishes he had managed to send her to Cadmus before it went rogue.

Because the Sawyer’s are glaring and glaring and glaring.

Because James is still wearing the clothes he was three…four?…days ago.

Because she broke her sobriety to get drunk on a beach and her hangover is starting to settle in.

Because because because…

She gives into the numbness.  She curls up in a corner seat and gives in and falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to get this part done so soon, but when inspiration strikes, you just go with it.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex leans against Kara, absently watching her sister edit an article, papers on a clipboard, highlighters and pens spread on the corner table.

The fourth day is slowly ending.

Alex is tired.  So tired.

Tired of waiting.  Tired of the stares.  Tired of not knowing.

Tired of the doctors ignoring her, and tired of learning about her girlfriends conditions second-hand.

But, she can’t sleep anymore.

She just lazily blinks as she stares at Kara’s article.

She just lazily blinks when Kara answers a text, and shows her the picture of Mandy Vasquez sent.

She just lazily blinks as Kara urges her to stand, and leads her to the hospital’s cafeteria.

The sandwich Kara pushes at her is dry on one side and over laden with mayo on the other.  Alex takes a single bite, right in the middle, then just picks at the bread.

“You need to eat,” Kara says.

Alex shrugs.  She knows she needs to, knows it will help with the way her stomach keeps flipping over itself, but the thought of actually eating makes her stomach flip even more.

“Alex, please.”

She looks up, the desperation in Kara’s voice just managing to cut through the haze.  Kara lightly pushes the sandwich closer to Alex.

“Eat.”

Alex’s stomach flips, but she forces herself to take another bite, then another as Kara watches.  She doesn’t notice M’gann has walked up until Kara reaches across the table to get her attention and gestures.

M’gann gives her a small smile.  “Maggie's awake.  She’s asking for you.”

For a split second, the world freezes again, then Alex is on her feet, following M’gann back to the waiting room.  She ignores the glares coming from within the room, coming from Maggie’s parents, and just follows the doctor waiting for her.

There is no hesitation at the door, no stopping to steel herself.  Alex walks into the room and, for the first time in days, smiles.

Barely, but even the slight movement registers.

Maggie watches as Alex makes her way to the seat next to the bed.

“Hey,” Alex murmurs.  She rests her hand on the bed, two fingers laying over Maggie’s wrist.  She glances down at the tubes snaking out from under the blanket at Maggie’s side, at the cast on her opposite arm, then looks back up.  “Hey,” she repeats.

The corner of Maggie’s mouth twitches, then her brow furrows.  “Luce?”

Alex’s throat clenches.  Maggie’s voice is too weak, too rough.

“She’s fighting.”  She nods to ground herself, pulling in a deep breath.  “She’s fighting, and you know how hard she fights.”

Maggie blinks.  Tears start to well in her eyes.

Alex reaches up and brushes some of Maggie’s hair back before cupping the side of her face.  She wipes away a few tears as they fall, being careful to not disturb the oxygen tube.

“I know, baby.  I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been ages. I'm slowly getting back into this fic, this series.  
> I have decided to just ignore canon, cause the reason it took this long is that I started to write this before we learned about Maggie's parents, and, well, they had already shown up when we did learn. My original plan was to stick to canon as much as possible, which kinda got thrown out the window there. I spent ages trying to merge what I already had with canon, and it just wasn't working. So, fuck canon, right?
> 
> Hopefully, any future parts will be longer than this, I just really want to get something up, y'know?
> 
> So, Maggie's awake, at the moment. Lucy is fighting.


	4. Chapter 4

They have three hours until Alex has to leave, until visiting hours are over and she is back to waiting.

Most of the first hour is spent in explanation.

Alex explains what she knows of Lucy’s condition, of spinal fractures and brain trauma.

The doctor comes in and explains Maggie’s injuries, her own concussion, the open break in her arm, the punctured lung they nearly hadn’t caught in time.

A couple of officers come in, Maggie’s partner and one Alex doesn’t know.  Maggie tells what she can remember of the crash, of nearly being home, of trying to stop when she realized the car was merging, of the noise and the fear and feeling Lucy’s arms leave her waist.

The rest of the hour is spent crying as the exhaustion and pain and realization hits Maggie again.

Alex watches as the tears stop and sleep takes over Maggie.

The second hour, Maggie sleeps.

The second hour and most of the third.

Maggie sleeps and Alex watches.

She watches the rise and fall of Maggie’s chest

and the steady line on the heart monitor

and the twitching movement beneath her eyelids

and when Maggie’s parents enter the room, she refuses to look at them, refuses to acknowledge them.

She stares at Maggie’s face.

She ignores the twitch in her finger that is telling her she needs another drink.

She ignores the pressure in her bladder, because if she leaves, she can’t guarantee they’ll let her back in.

When Maggie wakes, Alex is almost asleep herself, ignoring Maggie’s parents and keeping light contact with Maggie as her knuckles brush against Maggie’s arm.

She keeps her eyes closed as Maggie and her parents talk, but she pushes against Maggie’s arm, letting her know that she’s there.

She’s there.

Rao, Maggie is there, alive, talking.

A knock at the door and a soft  _ Alex  _ from Maggie make her open her eyes.  She refuses to look at the Sawyers as she turns to the door, and there’s Kara.

Kara, waving softly at Maggie, and gesturing to Alex.

“I’ll be right back,” Alex whispers, leaning close to Maggie.

“Don’t take too long,” Maggie whispers back.

“Promise.”  She presses a kiss to Maggie’s temple.  She ignores the Sawyer.  “I love you.”

Maggie’s responding _ I love you _ hangs with her as she walks out of the room, as Kara wraps an arm around her shoulders, as Kara leads her down the hall.

To Lois.

Maggie’s  _ I love you _ flutters in her heart as she listens to Lois talk about Lucy, about a medically induced coma, and brain hemorrhages, and they don’t know, they just don’t know.

She walks back into Maggie’s room and Maggie knows.

They barely have ten minutes left and Alex watches Maggie’s face crumple, watches Maggie try to hold herself together, listens as Maggie tells her to go home for the night.

Alex argues, but she knows it’s weak even as she tries, knows it’s pointless even before Maggie threatens her with Kara.

And Alex doesn’t need Kara to see her how she is going to get at home.

With Maggie awake and Lucy in limbo and Maggie making the request, they get everyone to go home for the night, alarms already set to return by visiting hours the next day.

Alex convinces Kara that she will be fine, that she just wants to pass out in her bed, that she will feel better knowing that Kara is out, patrolling near the hospital so she can hear Maggie and Lucy’s heartbeats.

It takes forty minutes for Alex to get to the apartment.

It takes five minutes for her to get through the door.

She pulls on Lucy’s army sweater.  She pulls Maggie’s pillow against her chest.

Her finger twitches.

It takes twenty minutes for her to walk through the door at the closest liquor store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still short, I know, I'm sorry.
> 
> I have no idea when the next update will be, or any fic posting, really. I'm currently focusing on a longer fic I plan to post through the peak season at my job, which means I still have to finish the second half of that before late-October/mid-November, while dealing with my current schedule, and moving houses, and other such stuff.
> 
> This was literally written in one sitting, so if you see any typos or such, let me know and I'll fix it later.
> 
> Now, I'm gunna go to sleep, cause I'm sore and tired and need to pack my entire fucking room when I wake up.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex isn’t sure how she got here, or how she even knows that this spot is the right one.

But, it is.

The street names burn in her mind.  There is glass crunching beneath her heels in the gutter.

She can almost see a ghostly visage of a motorcycle and a car and bodies being thrown into the curb she was sitting on.

The brown paper crinkles as her fingers tighten around the bottleneck.

The bottle is closed.

She won’t drink on the street, won’t risk Kara flying overhead and seeing her.

But the weight is comforting in her hand.

But the contents of the first bottle is warm in her stomach.

But her head is buzzing and the passing headlights blur.

Alex leans back, head thudding against the light post.  She stares straight ahead, across the street, but is not actually looking.

This is where it had happened.  This is where a single moment had taken her life.

She flicks her gaze up to the stars just visible against the light of the city. Her hair sways as a car passes just feet from where she sat.

They had passed this spot countless times.

They passed it to get from the apartment to Lucy's favorite Thai restaurant to Maggie's yoga studio to the clothing store Alex had been shopping at since college.

It isn't a particularly dangerous stretch.

But it was that night.

Alex blinks against the honk of the car passing her.

She wraps an arm around her waist, the unopened bottle presses against her side.

She stands.

A pounding in the back of her head lets her know the alcohol is starting to fade.

She has to fix that.

The walk to the apartment is long.  Her brain clears just enough for textbook pages to blur on the edges of her memory.

Definitions and CT scans and procedures and images of bandaged patients with way too familiar faces.

The bottle is opened in the elevator.

* * *

 

Alex passes her headache off as lack of sleep.

Maggie, high on drugs and pain accepts it easily.  She isn’t happy about it, but she is happy to have Alex there and holding her hand and reading to her from the latest physics journal.

They both let the words flow over them without retaining the information.

They both ignore Maggie’s parents unless they speak, focusing instead on each other and trying to not think of what could be happening with Lucy.

And so one day passes.

Alex goes for whiskey when forced home.

And so two days pass.

Alex reads more physics.

Alex passes out on the couch before she can find a bottle.

And so the third day starts.

The halls are quiet and sterile as Alex walks back to Maggie’s room.  Maggie won’t have woken from her nap yet, but the apple Alex had gotten should count enough for her to honestly say she got food like Maggie had told her to.

A hand wraps around her arm.  She jerks away, hand snapping to her hip.

Lois’ expression was one of concern.

Alex’s finger tapped against her thigh.

“Come with me.”

Alex follows, her uncertainty shifts to fear as she realizes where they are going.

ICU

Her heart pounds.

Her fist clenches against the twitching.

The world blurs around her.

And she’s looking through a window.

And she’s looking at Lucy.

She presses her knuckles against the glass.

She presses her fist to her thigh.

Lois’ voice fades beneath the roar.

Lucy

Lucy

Lucy surrounded by tubes.

Lucy with bandages around her head.

Lucy looking smaller than she has any right to.

Alex stares.

At Lucy’s face.

At the heart monitor flashing.

A hand wraps around her arm.

She stares.

At the tube coming out of Lucy’s mouth.

At the IV bags hanging next to the bed.

The hand tugs.

She can’t fight it.

Her body turns but her head doesn’t.  She continues to stare.

At the flowers on the bedside table.

At Lucy Lucy Lucy

Lois pushes between Alex and the window.

Alex jerks back.  She shifts to try and see past her into the room.

“We have to go,” Lois says.  “Dad can’t see you here.”

Alex shakes her head.  Lois shakes her as well.

“Go be with Maggie, tell her you saw Lucy.  I promise I will bring you up when I can, but you can’t stay.”

Alex grabs the fabric of her pants, pressing her knuckles against her thigh.

Her heart isn’t torn, it is squeezed between the need to be with both of them.

Lois pushes her lightly.

Alex lets herself be moved.  She takes a deep breath.  She clenches her jaw and squares her shoulders.

“You promise.”

It’s a statement.  It’s an order.

“I promise.”

Alex nods.  She looks past Lois, the slight distance now between them letting her see Lucy again.

“Tell her we’re here for her?”

“I will.”

Alex nods again, still staring at Lucy.

In a swift movement, she spins and stalks off down the hallway.

Maggie is awake in her room.  Her brow furrows lightly.

Alex sits and Alex tells her.

Maggie’s parents argue, try to get her to stop.  Maggie shuts them down.

Alex’s stomach clenches as Maggie fails to hold the tears back.

Shes goes after Maggie’s punching bag that night.

When her bare knuckles split open and blood is starting to drip to the floor, she takes a swig of vodka before pouring the rest of the bottle over the wounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer this time, so yay for that. I apparently getting inspiration for this fic more regularly now, which is cool. It isn't what I want to actually be writing, but I will write what my brain wants me to write, cause otherwise no writing will happen.
> 
> Again, this was written in one sitting and with no beta, so mistakes are all on me.
> 
> I very much appreciate every comment y'all leave. Especially about the writing style. This is kind of an experiment style for me, so hearing that it's working so well is wonderful.


	6. Chapter 6

“What happened to your hand?”

Alex blinks. She looks from Maggie’s face to the hand she had just set over Maggie’s.

She had meant to keep the hand hidden until it healed enough to not need bandages.

Had meant.

Had forgotten.

“It’s nothing.”

“Danvers.”

Alex closes her eyes, clenches her fist, ignores the pain shooting up her arm.

“Alex.”

Maggie shouldn’t be looking at her like that, not while Maggie was the one in the hospital bed.

“Punching bag.”

“Without gloves.”

Alex knows she gives herself away with the way she looks down.

Maggie breathes deep.

A chair creaks on the other side of the room as one of her parents moves.

“Has anyone looked at it?”

Alex jerks her head to the side.

“Alex.”

Maggie’s fingers curl around her chin, raising her head.

“Get a nurse to look at that.”

Alex holds her gaze for a moment, then looked down at the bed.

“Please.”

Alex takes a deep breath. She nods.

“Now.”

She can’t help it. She rolls her eyes.

Maggie laughs.

It’s short.

It’s rough.

It’s the first laugh Alex has heard from her since she woke.

Maggie’s seems to realize that a moment later. Her face falls just enough to be noticeable.

Alex scoots her chair closer, raises her hand to Maggie’s cheek, catching a tear with her thumb.

“She’ll be okay.”

It feels like a lie on her tongue.

She knows it sounds like a lie to Maggie’s ear.

Maggie takes her hand, rubbing the bandage.

“Go. Please.”

Alex nods.

She presses a kiss to Maggie’s head.

She ignores the scoff from the other side of the room.

She ends up in the parking lot, sitting on a curb.

Her finger twitches against her thigh.

Her chest is heavy.

Her head buzzes.

She is fucking up.

She should be able to do this.

They need her.

They need her functioning.

They need her sober.

She needs a drink.

She steals a roll of bandages and re-wraps her hands in the bathroom.

She makes it through most of the night without taking a drink.

The drink she finally does take makes the trembling in her hand lessen.

One before bed.

One before leaving for the hospital.

Two a day.

Just to keep her calm, to keep her nerves numb.

Once they were out, once she knows Lucy will be okay, she can stop.

She will stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading and leaving comments. It's appreciated so much :)


	7. Chapter 7

The world solidifies over the next few days.

Alex changes the bandages on her hands each morning.

She spends as much time as she can in Maggie’s room.

Lois stops by once a day to sneak her to Lucy’s room.

Kara brings her food at night.

If Alex can convince her to not spend the night, she has a drink before passing out.

If Alex can’t, her hand twitches as she lays next to Kara.  She barely sleeps those nights, her mind on the bottle in closet.

She lets Kara believe it’s worry, it’s fear, it’s anything other than need.

She lets herself believe it’s only need.

Then Maggie comes home.

Maggie argues.  Maggie tries to convince everyone to let her stay in the waiting room.

She gives in when Alex and her parents agree.

She needs to be out of the hospital, at least for a night.

She leans heavy on Alex as they walk into the apartment.

She stops just inside.

Her breath is shaky.

Her fingers dig into Alex’s side.

“I know,” Alex murmurs.

“She should be here,” Maggie says.

“She will be.”

Maggie turns into Alex, presses her face into Alex’s shoulder.

Alex holds her.  Cups the back of her head.  Threads the fingers through her hair.

“She will be.”

Alex’s hand twitches.

But she focuses on taking care of Maggie.

She can take care of Maggie.

She makes sure Maggie follows the pill schedule.

She helps her move around the apartment.

Maggie falls asleep reclined in the arm chair to keep the pressure off of her lung.

Alex sits in silence, doing her best to ignore the way her hand has moved from twitching to shaking.

She waits thirty minutes after she is sure Maggie is asleep.

She takes her drink to the bathroom.

She rinses out the cup.

She rinses her mouth with mouthwash.

She refuses to look at herself in the mirror.

Maggie murmurs and turns into her as Alex lays next to her.  Her cast digs into Alex’s side.

Alex stares at the ceiling.

Her hand keeps twitching.

* * *

 

Alex is barely awake.

Maggie’s father is sitting on the other end of the couch.

Maggie’s mother is bustling around the kitchen.

Maggie is curled up in the arm chair, still asleep.

And Alex just wants to sink into the couch.

Well, really, she wants to curl up around Maggie the way she had been before the knock on the door.

But, the glares from Maggie’s father make her want to disappear.

She just watches Maggie, watches the time, keeping a mental countdown until when she had to wake Maggie for her meds.

Her fist is clenched in her lap.

Her phone is on the cushion next to her.

The smell of coffee begins to fill the apartment.

Alex closes her eyes, lets out a breath, curses to herself.

Maggie is already stirring when Alex opens her eyes.

Alex is kneeling next to the armchair before Maggie opens her eyes, before her parents realize she is waking up.

“Hey.”  She keeps her voice low, keeps it even.

Maggie screws her eyes closed, tries to raise her hand to cover her eyes, only to let out a whimper, suddenly reminded that her arm is broken.

Alex can feel the glares on her back as she climbs onto the arm chair.

She has never been so glad Lucy had insisted they buy a chair that could fit two

She reaches over to grab a folded blanket from the basket next to the couch.  She shakes it open.  She throws it over the two of them.

The blanket is thin, but enough to block the light that makes it through the curtains, almost enough to block the light from the kitchen.

Enough for Maggie to open her eyes.

“Hey,” Alex repeats.  She whispers, trying her best to keep her voice low, their words between them.

Maggie blinks up at her.  “Time is it?”

“Just after 7.  You still have an hour until you can take your pills.”

Maggie whines, her nose scrunching up.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t know your mom had put the coffee on.”

Maggie blinks.  “Moms here?”

“Yeah, your dad too.”

Maggie breaths deep.

“Hospital?”

Alex’s stomach flips.

She hasn’t told Maggie about before she woke, about her parents keeping Alex out, about Lucy’s father still keeping her out.

She doesn’t know how.

“Later,” she promises.  “Once your meds kick in.”

Maggie nods.  She winces at the movement.

Alex brushes some hair out of Maggie’s face.

“How bads the pain?”

“One to ten?”

“Yeah?”

“Twelve.”

Alex gives a grim smile.

“Breakfast is ready.”

Maggie flinches as her mother’s words cut through the haze blanketed around them.

“Do you think you can eat?” Alex asks.

Maggie closes her eyes, grimaces.  “Toast?  Maybe?”

“Okay.  Orange juice?”

Maggie scrunches her nose.  “Apple?”

“Of course.”

Alex presses a kiss to Maggie’s temple.  She pulls the blanket off of her, making sure it is still over Maggie before climbing off of the chair.

She ignores the glare from Maggie’s father as she makes her way to the kitchen.

Maggie’s mother has two plates of eggs and sausages ready on the island.  She pushes one towards Alex.

“She wants toast,” Alex says.  “She won’t be able to stomach anything else.”

Maggie’s mother raises an eyebrow at her as she reaches over, grabs another plate by the stove.

“That was for you,” she says.

Alex stares at the toast on the new plate.

“I know my daughter,” Maggie’s mother continues.

Alex wants to argue, wants to say that if she knew her daughter, she would have known that the smell of coffee always woke Maggie up, would have known that she needed the sleep, would have know that Maggie would have never wanted Alex kept from seeing her.

She says nothing.  She takes the plate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for commenting.  
> I'm trying to get back into the habit of replying to comments, but I'm still working on it. Just know that even if I don't reply, I very much appreciate it, and have probably read it at least a thousand times.


	8. Chapter 8

It takes planning with Lois, texts sent after going to another room, carefully timing Maggie’s nap.

It takes convincing as Maggie’s parents try to get her to stay.

It takes planning and timing and Alex feels like she’s manipulating Maggie and Alex is definitely lying to Maggie.

But she can’t tell Maggie.

She doesn’t know how.

Doesn’t know how to say that her parents had kept her in the dark, that Lucy’s were still keeping them in the dark.

She doesn’t want Maggie to have to face that.

She doesn’t want to have a conversation on how she handled it.

Alex holds Maggie close, arm over her shoulder, as they follow Lois through the halls.

She is still figuring out how to get Maggie to leave without telling her.

The sound Maggie makes as she sees Lucy is one Alex never wants to hear again.

Maggie pressed her palm against the window, presses her forehead.

Lucy has less tubes around her than yesterday.

They still encase her.

She's still too small.

Alex stands next to Maggie, presses her face in Maggie's hair.

Maggie smells like Lucy.

Like the dry shampoo Lucy keeps under the sink for emergencies.

Alex has been using Lucy's normal shampoo.

Alex has been using Maggie's body wash.

The mouthwash she has been using is Maggie's as well.

Her hand twitches as she presses it against Maggie’s back.

Maybe, maybe, if she stands as still as possible, if she just smells Lucy's shampoo, if she just feels Maggie beneath her fingers, if she keeps her eyes closed…

Maybe then this will all vanish, the hospital will melt away, time will reverse, everything will be the way it's supposed to be.

“You have to go.”

Fuck.

Maggie tenses.

Alex squeezes her eyes shut.

One more moment. God, just one more moment.

“My parents are on their way back.”

Alex chest constricts, her ribs curl inwards.

No.

No.

“Why is that…”

Maggie cuts off.

Alex's hand shakes.

Maggie turns, looks up at Alex.

“They've been keeping you out.”

It's quiet.

It's hushed.

It's shattering.

Alex swallows, blinks back tears.

She stares at Maggie’s shoulder.

She stares at nothing at all.

When Maggie threads their fingers together, she lets herself be led away.

They pass through a door.

The world shrinks as they step into the staircase.

It shrinks even further as Maggie steps up to Alex.

Alex closes her eyes, bows her head.  She leans into Maggie’s hand when she cups her cheek.

“Alex?”

She shakes her head.  She holds her hands close to her stomach, elbows pressed to her sides, hands wringing together.

Maggie drops her hand to lay it over Alex’s.

“Alex.”

“Nothing.”

She forces the word out, not sure how she can say it any other way.

Alex shakes her head.  “They told me nothing.  Nothing about Lucy.  Nothing about you.”

She looks up.

Maggie’s face is hard.

Hard in a way Alex recognizes.

It’s the hardness Maggie takes when men call after them when they’re walking home from dates.  It’s the hardness she has when she comes home after a hard case.

It’s the hardness she had taken when she had told Alex about her parents first reaction to her coming out.

Alex wants to pull away.

She tries to tell herself that it isn’t directed at her, that Maggie isn’t mad at her.

Maggie’s face softens.  She raises her hand back to the side of Alex’s face, rubbing Alex’s cheek with her thumb.

“Lois is telling you about Lucy?”

“And, Kara and J’onn would overhear conversations.  I didn’t know nothing, I just…”

“That doesn’t make it right.”

Alex nods, ducking her head.  “I know, I know.”

A sharp wince from Maggie pulls her attention back up.

Alex cups Maggie's cheek, looking from eye to eye, checking for unusual dilation.

“How's the pain right now?”

Maggie grimaces.  “A six?  But that's not what I'm worried about.”

“But I am.”

They watch each other for a few moments.

“Can we go to the waiting room?” Maggie asks.

Alex takes a breath. She nods.

“Yeah.”

* * *

 

Alex has to practically carry Maggie into the apartment.

Maggie is dragging her feet.  The side of her face is pressed into Alex’s shoulder.  Her eyes are screwed shut.

A warmth settles in Alex at the unwavering trust.

She pushes the apartment door open and the warmth fades.

Maggie’s mother rushes forward, pressing her hand to Maggie’s forehead, pulling her away from Alex.

Maggie whimpers.

“You shouldn’t be out so long,” her mother says.  “You need to rest.”

Alex stands in the doorway.  She watches as Maggie is herded towards the couch.  She meets Maggie’s father’s eyes, then drops her gaze.

She presses her shaking hand to her thigh.

She should have gotten Maggie home sooner.  Maggie had fallen asleep on her shoulder in the waiting room.

But, she should have woken her, brought her home.

Sudden movement pulls her attention back to Maggie.

And she is moving.

She is across the room in a second, holding Maggie steady before she falls.

“Hey,” she whispers.  “What’s wrong?”

Maggie shakes her head.  She stares at her mother.

“I need you and Dad to leave for a bit.”

There is silence.

Alex stares at Maggie.  She glances at Maggie’s mother.

“What?” Maggie’s mother asks.

Maggie’s hand grabs at the back of Alex’s shirt.  She holds tight.

“You…”  Maggie purses her lips.  She takes a breath through her nose.  “You don’t get to keep my girlfriend from me.  At any point.  Either of them.”

“Maggie, we were…”

“No.  You don’t have that right to keep my girlfriends from my hospital room.”

“Maggie…”

“I thought we were past this.”  Maggie wavers lightly.  Alex holds Maggie tighter against her.  “I was wrong.”

“Margaret.”

Maggie flinches at her father’s voice.

“We have accepted your lifestyle,” he continues.  “What more do you want from us?”

Maggie sucks in a breath.  “Please leave.  I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Maggie’s mother steps forward.  Alex tenses, ready to defend Maggie from whatever happens.

Before Maggie’s mother can do what she wants, Maggie’s father steps up behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Let’s go.”

And they are gone.

And Maggie cumples.

And Alex gets Maggie onto the couch and holds her as she cries herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I didn't expect another chapter so soon either.  
> Well, I probably should have, cause this almost was part of the last chapter.  
> Things are starting to really move along now. It's no longer just Alex wallowing and being angsty and in pain.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex wakes to the door opening and rapid clacking on the floor.

She opens one eye, arm wrapped around Maggie tightening as the other fumbles for any sort of weapon until she recognizes the figures coming through the door.

Wet presses against her arm.  She blinks at Mandy.  She bends her arm up to scratch behind her ears.

Mandy steps closer, starting to lick the side of Alex’s face.

Maggie shifts.

“Mandy, no,” she whispers.

Mandy whimpers.  She jumps slightly, getting her front paws on the couch and laying her head on Alex’s shoulder to try to reach Maggie.

Maggie reaches out, scratches Mandy’s snout.  Mandy nudges at her hand with her nose before licking it.

Alex can just hear the soft whines from Mandy, the tightness in each breath Maggie takes.  She murmurs softly as she nudges Maggie upright.  She rubs Maggie’s back as she whimpers.

She shouldn’t have let Maggie fall asleep on her like that.  It couldn’t have been good for her ribs, her lung, her head.

Maggie slumps against her side, one hand still scratching at Mandy’s head as the other arm gingerly wrapped around her side.

“What’s your pain level?” Alex asks.

Maggie shakes her head, screws her eyes shut, grimaces.

“I’ll take that as really bad.”

Maggie nods.

Mandy whines as she sits next to the couch.

Kara appears in front of them.  She hands Alex Maggie’s pills and a glass of juice.

Alex nods at her, quietly persuades Maggie to swallow the pills.  Maggie curls into her as soon as she’s done.

“Breakfast will be ready soon,” Kara says.

Alex looks over Maggie’s head, over the back of the couch.

Vasquez and Erin are in the kitchen, seamlessly moving around each other.  Alex doesn’t look at the closet, at the cabinet over the fridge, but their presence and the bottles within scream at her.

She has to get rid of the alcohol.

Or at least find other hiding spots.

She turns back around.  She pats her lap, urging Mandy to jump up onto her, and buries her trembling hand into Mandy’s fur.

She needs a drink soon.

She focuses on keeping her hand as still as possible, just barely listening to Kara talk to Maggie.  She soaks in the warmth of Maggie next to her, of Mandy in her lap.  She picks at the food Vasquez and Erin bring them.

“Danvers, can you come help me with something?”

Alex blinks at Vasquez for a moment, then nods.  Kara takes Mandy from her lap, then takes her spot next to Maggie.

Vasquez doesn’t want help.  Alex knows that even before she’s led to the balcony.

She leans back into one of the corners, against the building.  Vasquez looks out at the city.

Alex’s heart pounds in her ears.  She crosses her arms, trapping her trembling hand between her side and her arm.

“I know how it feels,” Vasquez says.  They turn, leaning back against the railing, crossing their arms.  “Erin got sick.  Really sick.  Pneumonia with complications.  She was in the hospital for almost two weeks.”  They shrug with one shoulder.  “It was 2005.  We weren’t married.  They wouldn’t tell me anything.  They wouldn’t even let me stay in the waiting room.”

Alex’s stomach turns.

“I know how you feel right now,” Vasquez continues.  “Scared.  Pissed.  Lonely.  All with the knowledge that if you weren’t queer, you would be in that room right now.”

Alex ducks her head, clenches her jaw.

“I just…I want you to know that you can talk to me about all of this, or not talk, whichever you need.”

Alex keeps her eyes on the ground.  She nods.

She can sense Vasquez as they approach the door and stop.

“I’m serious, Alex,” they say.  “I know you aren’t going to want to lean on Maggie or Lucy, but this isn’t something you have to handle alone.”

The words are on the tip of Alex’s tongue.  The urge to ask for help barrels through her.  She wants to tell Vasquez about the bottles and the drinking and the pain.

She lets the moment pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't know, especially since it's been a while since they've been mentioned, Erin is Vasquez's wife, an oc I created with change-the-rules on tumblr, and Mandy is the Director Sanvers retired drug sniffing springer spaniel created by an anon I got ages ago.
> 
> Big thanks to everyone who is reading this, and especially to everyone who leave a comment. They make my day every time.


	10. Chapter 10

Alex lies.

They make it all the way to the car before she does it, tells Maggie and Kara that she forgot something.

And, well, maybe it isn’t really a lie.

She did forget something.

She makes a beeline to the cabinet over the fridge.  She turns the bottle over in her hands.

Her hand is shaking, making the alcohol slosh.

She should dump it down the drain.  She should throw it in the trash.  She should shatter it against the wall.

Anything but pour a few fingers and knock it back.

She shakes her head against the burn.

She closes the bottle before she can pour another.

She hides it amongst the cleaning supplies under the bathroom sink.

She brushes her teeth and rinses with Maggie's mouthwash before going back downstairs.

By the time they get to the hospital, the shaking in her hand has gone down to a vibration, her blood seeming to boil beneath her skin.

Lois is already waiting to take them up to Lucy.

Maggie presses against the window.

Alex leans against the opposite wall, watching Maggie, watching Lucy.

“The doctors are fully taking her out of the medical coma tomorrow,” Lois tells her.  Her voice is low.  “She briefly woke the last time they tried, so they’re hopeful.”

Alex nods.

Numbers and probabilities and lists of the impact a coma can have on a person all stream through her brain.

If Lucy wakes, she might not be the same.  She won't be the same.

Traumatic brain injuries aren’t something you just get over.

Alex doesn't care, just wants her alive and awake and aware.

Her watch beeps.  Three times, high and clear.

Alex sighs.

She pushes off of the wall and slowly crosses the hallway, resting a hand on the small of Maggie’s back.

“We have to get to your appointment.”

“No.”

Alex blinks.

“Maggie?”

Maggie shakes her head.  “Not leaving her.”

“Maggie.”

Maggie shakes her head again, stopping abruptly and squeezing her eyes shut against the pain.

“We have to go, Maggie.  Please.”

“No.”

Alex moves her hand, up Maggie’s back to her shoulder.

And Maggie jerks.

Jerks away.

Jerks hard.

And Alex jerks her hand back.

Maggie blinks.

Blinks again.

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs.  “You’re right, we need to go.”

Alex stares after her, utterly confused, before following.

Maggie’s hand is shaking worse than her own when Maggie reaches out in the elevator.

Maggie’s hand is shaking as she tries to fill in the paperwork after checking in.

Alex covers Maggie’s hand with her own after the pen jerks again, after Maggie lets out another soft curse.

“Let me,” she whispers.

Maggie takes a deep breath, lets Alex pull the pen from her grasp.  She leans on Alex, head on her shoulders, eyes closed, as Alex fills in the paperwork.

Alex’s hand starts to shake more the longer she writes.  She practically throws the pen down when she’s done.

Maggie slides her hand into Alex’s, their grip on each other helping control the shaking.

“What’s your pain right now?” Alex asks, soft, quiet.

Maggie shakes her head.  “Five?  Six?”

“Okay.”

Alex presses a kiss to the side of Maggie’s head.

She holds her hand as they wait to be called back, as Maggie leans on her as they are led from the waiting room, as they speak to the doctor.

Maggie squeezes her hand when Alex tells the doctor about Maggie’s issue with the pen, when the doctor tells them that loss of motor function can happen after a brain injury.

“We’ll continue to monitor and test for various disorders,” the doctor tells them.  “Right now, I believe we may be looking at a form of apraxia that impacts movements in the limbs.”

Maggie squeezes her hand through  _ physical therapy _ and  _ occupational therapy _ and  _ being younger, the elasticity of your brain _ ...

And Maggie’s entire arm is shaking as she squeezes.

And all Alex can do is hold Maggie as tight as she can the moment the doctor leaves the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to everyone for reading and commenting :)


	11. Chapter 11

Alex watches Maggie in the bathroom mirror as she tries to maneuver her tank top around her cast.

She watches the frustration grow until Maggie closes her eyes and ducks her head.

“Would you like some help?” Alex asks, still watching in the mirror.

Maggie looks up at her, meeting her eyes in the reflection.  She nods.

Alex puts down the plastic she had been preparing and turns.

Maggie doesn’t look at her as she helps her take off the tank top.  As soon as the bandage on her side is revealed, Maggie presses her opposite hand over it, ignoring the pain of jostling her broken arm.

The shirt is tossed into the hamper as Alex turns back to the vanity counter.

And Alex watches in the mirror again as she washes her hands.

As Maggie grimaces.

As Maggie takes deep breathes.

Alex pulls a pair of gloves on and turns.

“You ready?” she asks.

Maggie stares at the gloved hands for a moment, then nods.

She shifts her broken arm as much as she can, and moves her hand so it’s just under the bandage.

Alex gently moves the hand a little lower before kneeling down and peeling the bandage off.

The wound is long, thin.  It wraps around Maggie’s side, following the curve of her ribs.

Alex inspects it carefully, looking for any new swelling, any discoloration, any sign of infection.

“It looks good,” she says.  “It’s doing well.”

Maggie says nothing.

Alex glances at her in the mirror as she reaches for the plastic and tape.

Maggie’s face is carefully blank, staring up at the ceiling with her jaw clenched.

After a few moments of silence, of stillness, Maggie looked down, meeting her eyes again in the mirror.

They hold each others gaze for a few moments before Maggie looks away.

Alex watches for another moment.

Her chest hurts, aches for her to stand and pull Maggie into a hug.

Alex turns back to the wound.

She presses the plastic wrap over it, taping the edges down.  They’ll wash it after the shower, then let it air dry before putting the new bandage on.

“Okay,” she says as she stands.  “Now the cast.”

Maggie nods.  She sits on the toilet.  Alex grabs the roll of plastic wrap, then sits on the edge of the tub.

She slowly wraps the plastic around the cast, doing her best to keep it airtight, to not move Maggie’s arm too much.

A compound fracture.

Part of her bone had broken through her skin.

There is now a metal rod and plates holding the bone in place.

She works methodically.

Her hand shakes.

She glances at the cabinet under the sink.

She hadn’t had a drink since before they had left for the hospital.

She can go a little longer.

Maggie stares at the wall.

When she finishes, Alex rubs her thumb across Maggie’s knuckles, just barely brushing against the plastic wrap.  Maggie’s fingers flex beneath her touch.

“Okay,” Alex says.  “Just the bag now.”

Maggie nods.

Alex stands and walks to the vanity instead of just reaching across Maggie.  She grabs the bag - a small trash bag cut down to fit Maggie’s arm - and turns back to Maggie, who had stood.

“Do I really need both?” Maggie asks as Alex slips the bag up her arm.

Alex shrugs.  “Not really, but it’s better to not risk the wet cast.”

She secures the open end with a rubber band just under Maggie’s armpit.

“Know that from experience?”

Alex glances up at Maggie.  There’s a small hint of humor in her eyes.

“I’ve ended up in casts more than a few times, yes,” Alex says.

She puts two more rubber bands around Maggie’s arm, one at her elbow and one at her wrist, to control the bag’s movement.

“Alright, I think you’re finally prepped to shower, just have to get ready.”

Maggie nods.

Alex pulls the gloves off, then moves to the shower.  She turns it on, quickly getting it to the right temperature.

Maggie steps up next to her, shorts gone.

“Join me?”

The question is low, hesitant.  Maggie reaches out to feel the water as she asks it.

“If you want me to.”

Maggie nods.  “Please.”

“Okay.”

Alex keeps a steadying hand on Maggie’s back as she climbs into the tub.  She quickly strips and climbs in as well.

She washes Maggie hair, helps with her with her body wash.

And when Maggie practically collapses into her, body shaking as she sobs, Alex holds her.

* * *

 

“What if I never regain full function?”

Alex turns from the stove, where she had just put on a kettle for tea.

Maggie is on the couch, facing away from the kitchen.

“The doctor sounded optimistic,” Alex says, walking out of the kitchen.  She moves around the couch to see Maggie staring at her right hand.

Maggie shakes her head.

“But what if I don’t?”

She looks up at Alex.

“This apraxia thing,” she says.  “The doctor said it makes you unable to do things you know how to do.  You want to do it, but can’t.

Alex sits on her right.

“I was already having issues writing,” Maggie continues, “but what if I can’t use a gun anymore?  Play pool?  Put on my boxing gloves?  And what if my other hand is worse?”

Alex lifts a hand to her back.

Maggie flinches away before pressing back against the touch.  Alex rubs up and down her back as she tries to think of something to say.

“I don’t know,” she finally says.

Maggie looks at her.  Her eyes are still rimmed with red from crying.

“But,” Alex pushes forward.  “If you can’t, you won’t have to deal with it alone.  I’ll be here.  And Lucy will be here just like we’re going to be here for her.  Okay?”

Maggie stares at her.

Alex blinks as tears start to burn the corners of her eyes.

“You two are going to be alright.”  She takes a deep breath.  “Things will be different.  Brain injuries aren’t kind.  They fuck everything up, and we’re going to have to adapt to what your new normal will be, but we will adapt.”

She brushes some still damp hair behind Maggie’s ear.  Something like a smile tugs at Maggie’s cheeks.

“If you can’t put on your boxing gloves, I’ll put them on for you.  If you can’t play pool, we’ll change to darts.  If you can’t fire a gun…”

Maggie sucks in a breath.

“You may have to move to a desk position,” Alex pushes forwards.  “But I know you will find something that will still let you help people.  It’ll be different, and it will probably suck at first, but you can do it.  I know you can.”

Maggie nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, i was originally going to go back to Lucy here, but Maggie needed to process a little.  
> We should be going back to Lucy soon.
> 
> Thank you all so much for continuing to read, and especially to everyone who leave a comment :)


	12. Chapter 12

The soft knocks pull Alex’s attention from the still sleeping Maggie.

Three knocks, sharp and tight.

J’onn.

A deep breath.

A kiss to Maggie’s forehead.

Alex leads J’onn to the balcony without saying a word.

She keeps her mind on Maggie, on Lucy.

“How are you?”

Alex shakes her head, leans on the railing to look out at the city.

“How’s Maggie?”

Alex sighs.

“She’s trying.”

“She’s strong. So is Lucy.”

Alex nods.

She knows that.

Oh, she knows that.

But there are some things that ignore strength.

“I can’t stay long,” he says.

He has his tablet, is swiping across the screen.

“I need you to sign off of some stuff, mostly regarding your ongoing experiments and field missions you had been scheduled for.”

She pushes off of the railing, takes the tablet, skims through the papers.

She switches the hand holding the tablet when she realizes the shaking in her hand is making the tablet shake.

She shouldn’t have to push her work onto another agents. She should…

“No.”

J’onn’s face is soft, but firm.

“You are not to come back yet.”

“At least the missions.”

It’s her team. She should be there with them.

“No. Even if I didn’t think you are too emotionally compromised for the field, what do you think it would do to Maggie, knowing you’re putting your life in danger while she’s recovering and Lucy is in the hospital?”

She glares at him.

She tries to glare at him, but knows it’s far from it’s usual effect.

“That’s not fair.”

“But, it’s true.”

She looks out at the city again.

It is still mostly dark. The sun is just starting to rise, sending their side of the building into shadow.

“Once things settle a little, we will discuss you returning, not a moment sooner.”

A deep breath.

Eyes close.

She nods.

“Alex?”

His voice is soft, the way it is when he slips out of being her director and into being something more like her father.

Alex opens her eyes.

The world is warped.

The world is blurred.

She blinks.

She’s crying.

She hastily tries to wipe the tears away, but now that she knows she’s crying, they keep coming.

J’onn steps closer.

He wants to hug her.

She knows he does.

But he’ll wait until she makes it clear she’s okay with it.

“I’m scared.”

It’s low, whispered and rough.

The breath she pulls in after catches and hitches and stuttered against her attempts to not let her tears turn to sobs.

“I know,” J’onn says.

“I’m so scared.”

“I know.”

She steps to him.

She wraps her arms around his back.

She presses her face into his chest.

She lets herself feel safe, just for the moment.

She lets herself sob, just for the moment.

* * *

 

Alex’s eyes still sting as Lois leads her and Maggie to Lucy.

She had signed the forms.

She had made a decision.

Her head hurts.

Her hand shakes.

There had been no time for her to sneak a drink before Maggie had woken, before Kara had arrived.

She wishes she had found a way.

She keeps her hands in her pockets as they walk through the halls.

Lois is…

Not excited, not happy, but not as depressed.

And Alex is looked at Lucy through the window.

Lucy, with slightly less tubes, less machines.

Lucy, with her eyes open and blankly staring at the ceiling.

“She’s awake,” Maggie says.

It’s barely a whisper, barely a breath.

It’s reverent.

It’s fearful that speaking any louder will break the illusion.

“She’s been in and out of consciousness all day,” Lois says. “She doesn’t really seem to be aware of much, but the doctors said her physical reflexes are good. They sounded optimistic.”

A small weight lifts off of Alex.

* * *

 

It is fifteen miles from their apartment and where Alex needs to go.

She walks at first, to clear her head.

She clenches her fist in her pocket with each liquor store she passes.

When she finds herself standing in front of one, staring, she grabs a cab.

She can do this.

She has to do this.

She pays the driver, she tips heavily.

She knocks three times on the front door.

Vasquez looks concerned when they open the door.

Erin is visible down the hall, curious.

Alex takes a deep breath, fights against the lump in her throat.

“I need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to everyone who leaves comments, they make me so happy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a really quick chapter.  
> Not as angsty, imo, but, like, is that really saying much?

Alex paces back and forth. She keeps her eyes down, doing her best to avoid looking at Vasquez and Erin.

She had taken the first step, she had asked for help, but now…

Now she has to tell them why, has to tell them what help she needs.

She doesn’t know if she can.

Doesn’t know if she can admit it.

“Alex?”

Erin’s voice is soft, careful.

Alex stops. She stares at the wall, at the painting hanging there.

It was a nice painting, possibly chosen by Erin.

Possibly painted by Erin.

“My hand keeps shaking,” Alex says.

She looks down at her hand.

It is shaking. Her fingers tremble, even ask she curls them into a fist.

She hasn’t had a drink since the night before. She hadn’t managed to get one that morning, and after getting home from the hospital - where Lucy was awake; perhaps not the most aware, but awake - she had asked Kara to stay with Maggie for a bit so she could come here.

Come get help.

Her hand is shaking.

Her head hurts, too. A dull ache behind her ears.

She breathes in.

She breathes out.

“I’ve been drinking again.”

There is silence behind her.

“Since the accident. It just…happened one day and I need help to stop.”

* * *

 

Alex closes the door as softly as she can, holding the handle until the end to avoid the click of the latch.

The apartment is dark.

She can make out Maggie sleeping in the armchair.

Kara is in the kitchen, scrolling through her phone. She looks up as Alex approaches.

“Thank you,” Alex says. “For staying with her.”

Kara nods. “Are you going to tell me where you went?”

Alex’s stomach clenches as she shrugs. “Went to talk to Vasquez about some stuff.”

Kara’s face softens.

Alex looks away, towards Maggie.

“How was she?”

“In pain, more than she let on.”

Alex nods.

Yeah, that is exactly Maggie.

“And,” Kara continues. “She’s worried about you.”

Alex drops her head.

That was one of the last things she wanted.

“She shouldn’t be,” Alex says.

“Of course she should, Alex.”

She looks at Kara.

“You weren’t in the accident, but you have to deal with everything, too.”

Alex wants to tell Kara that she’s fine, but just shakes her head. She stares at Maggie.

“I’m not saying I’m alright,” she says. “But she has other things to focus on.”

“That isn’t going to stop her.”

Alex lets out a quiet laugh. “I know.”

* * *

 

_ Have you had any since last night? _

Alex stares at the text from Erin. Her thumb taps against the side of her phone a few times before simply typing  _ no  _ in response and putting the phone back into her pocket.

She looks up to watch Maggie limp across the room, magazine from a table in the far corner in hand.

Maggie smiles at Alex before sitting. She leans heavily on Alex, who can feel how heavy each breath is.

“Did you actually want that?” Alex asks, flicking the corner of the magazine. “Or did you just want to show me you could cross the room alone?”

Maggie scoffs. “Please, I am very interested in…” She flipped it over to read the cover. “ _ Kid’s Illustrated _ .”

Alex chuckles. She presses a kiss to the side of Maggie’s head.

“Alex. Maggie.”

Lois is in the doorway.

They both stand without a word.

Maggie squeezes Alex’s hand as they make their way through the hospital, to Lucy’s room.

Lois doesn’t stop by the window.

“We can go in?” Alex asks.

Lois nods. “Briefly.”

She holds the door open for them.

Alex steps in behind Maggie.

A haze settles over her.

The bustle of the hallway vanishes.

Instead, there’s the steady beep of the heart monitor, the soft whirring of machines, a surprised noise from Lucy.

Alex holds back as Maggie steps to Lucy’s side. Her hand hovers over Lucy’s.

“Hey,” Maggie says.

There is no response from Lucy.

Alex steps to Maggie, pulls a chair closer, and urges Maggie to sit.

Lucy’s eyes flick from Maggie to her.

Alex gives her the best smile she can.

“Hi.”

Lucy blinks.

She blinks again.

Her gaze flicks in and out of focus.

She looks back to Maggie, to the cast on her arm.

“I’m fine,” Maggie says. “I’ll be fine. Just like you will be.”

Alex keeps a hand on Maggie’s shoulder as Maggie gently talks to Lucy.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umm, update?

The room in the rec center smells of coffee and chalk.

Alex curls in on herself, shoulders hunched, arms wrapped around her stomach.

She should be with Maggie, should be with Lucy, should be anywhere but here.

A Styrofoam cup appears in her vision. She takes it, staring down at the coffee inside, refusing to look at Erin.

“Is this really necessary?” she asks.

“Coffee? Depends on the situation,” Erin replies.

“You know what I meant.”

“You want to get better, right?”

Alex nods, tilts the cup back and forth to watch the coffee swirl.

“Then this is a step you should at least try.”

Alex glances up, around the room. Small clusters chat in the corners, a few people already sit in chairs, staring at their own cups.

“Why this meeting?” Alex asks. “I saw the schedule, there were two meetings before this one.”

“Some friends told me about this one,” Erin says. “It’s a gay and sober group.”

“Gay and sober?”

“Part of why you started drinking again was how you were treated at the hospital, right?”

A nod.

“And that was because you aren’t straight, right?”

A nod.

“These people will get that a lot more than a group full of straight people.”

A nod.

A swirl of coffee.

“You don’t have to speak, just being here might help.”

* * *

Alex’s hand shakes a little less in Maggie’s grip.

Her eyes stay on Lois, not straying to the door to Lucy’s room, not straying to General Lane lingering in the doorway.

“She isn’t speaking very well right now.”

Alex swallows.

“But she’s made it clear she wants to see you two.”

Alex follows Lois, lets Maggie step in front of her and follows Maggie. She stares at the back of Lucy’s head as they pass General Lane, squeezes Maggie’s hand at his scoff, squeezes Maggie’s hand as he takes post on Lucy’s other side.

Lucy is sitting, held up by the elevated bed. She looks from her mother to them. Her smile is weak.

But there.

Lucy is smiling.

“Hey.”

It’s more of a croak than a word, getting caught in her throat and falling heavy in the air.

Maggie sits on the second chair, barely perching on the edge. Her hand reaches for Lucy’s, the bruise from her IV still vibrant.

“How d’I look?”

Maggie chuckles. “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Lucy’s scoff turns into a cough turns into a coughing fit. Her mother helps her lean forward, rubs her back, gets her water.

The glare from General Lane sits heavy on Alex’s shoulders.

“Charmer,” Lucy says.

“Takes one to know one, Lane.”

Static buzzes around Alex’s head as the light conversation continues, as she watches Lucy pause and reword and struggle to say what she wanted, as she watches Maggie’s thumb twitch against Lucy’s hand. She steadies her hand on Maggie’s shoulder.

* * *

The railing is hard against Alex’s back. The wind is warm in her hair. Her Gatorade is heavy in her hand.

She watches Maggie through the open balcony door, watches the rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps.

“Did you know?”

She doesn’t look at J’onn as she asks.

“Know what?”

Fingers flex around plastic.

Nails dig into palm.

“Contrary to popular belief, I do not actively read the mind of every person I come across.”

“Then how do you know that’s popular belief?”

J’onn chuckles, warm and soft.

“I knew you wanted to tell me something,” he says. “Nothing more.”

Rise. Fall.

Rise. Fall.

“I slipped, started drinking after it happened.”

Rise. Fall.

Rise. Fall.

“I’m getting help, working on it, but…”

Rise. Fall.

Rise. Fall.

“What if I fail again?”

“You didn’t fail. You slipped.”

She looks at him, fights back her tears.

“And we will be here to help you get back up whenever you need it.”

Back to Maggie.

Rise. Fall.

Rise. Fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, hopefully things will maybe, possibly, pick up a bit?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? A quick update? Expected by nobody at all.

Mandy’s fur is thick beneath Alex’s fingers. She pulls the brush through it, watching Maggie curl her hand into a fist.

Over and over.

Open

Close

Open

Close

Maggie’s movements are slow. Her fingers tremble. Frustration builds in her shoulders. She finished the set, slumping back in the couch.

Alex slides her hand over Maggie’s, squeezes.

And Maggie jerks her hand away.

She stands, stalks off.

The balcony door slams shut.

Mandy stands. Claws press into Alex’s thighs. Nose presses into Alex’s chin. Whines pierce the air.

Alex murmurs to herself as much to the dog.

“She’ll be alright. She’ll be alright.”

—

Alex looks up from her phone, from the text from Erin.

Oh

Lucy is awake, is watching her with pale eyes.

“Hey,” she says.

Her phone goes back in her pocket. Her hand moves to the bed, fingers trailing up and down her wrist.

“How’re you feeling?”

Lucy blinks, tries to shrug.

“You?”

Alex shrugs.

“Where’s Maggie?”

“Physical therapy.”

Alex had walked her there, was waiting for the text to go get her.

“For her…” Lucy blinks and blinks and looks around the room. “For her…” Her hand flexes against Alex’s.

“Her hand, yeah. She should be back soon.”

Lucy nods.

“And your parents are at the hotel. Lois convinced them to get some rest.”

Silence settles over them. Lucy stares right at Alex. Alex looks away, looks around, can’t hold her gaze.

“Alex.”

She forces herself to look back, to meet Lucy’s eyes.

“How’re you really?”

“I’m just tired.”

“Alex.”

A deep breath.

“I’m tired, Lucy. That’s all, really.”

Lucy doesn’t believe her, she can see it in her face despite the exhaustion there.

“Hey.”

Maggie.

At the door.

She takes the seat next to Alex, a hand on Alex’s shoulder to keep her from giving up the seat closer to Lucy.

“You were supposed to text me to get you.”

Maggie shrugs, leans towards, hooks her pinky around Lucy’s.

Alex plays with her own fingers in her lap.

“How’d it go?” Lucy asks.

“Same as it has been.”

“It’ll get better.”

“Yeah.”

“They say when I’m getting out of here?”

Maggie chuckles. “You’ve got a bit.”

Lucy’s nose scrunches up. “Sneak Mandy in?”

“We’ll see if Kara can do it.”

Lucy laughs.

Lucy coughs.

Lucy doesn’t stop coughing.

Alex helps her lean forward, rubs her back. She stands, grabs the cup of water from the counter, helps Lucy take a few sips.

And Lucy jerks.

Doesn’t stop jerking.

Her body trembles and shakes and seizes.

A glance to Maggie.

An order to get the nurses.

Lay Lucy on her side.

Don’t hold her down.

Make sure her airway stays clear.

Hands on her arm.

Hands pulling her back.

Alex’s chest squeezes into her heart as Lucy seizes and she’s pushed from the room and Maggie is pressed against the window and Alex can’t breath can’t breath can’t breath.

They don’t go home.

They gather in the waiting room, with Lois, with Lucy’s parents.

Alex can’t breath under the silence of the waiting room, under the weight of General Lane’s glares, and the shaking of her hand.

The shaking jump started by the feel of Lucy seizing.

She forces each breath, forces her attention to Maggie, helps her focus on not panicking.

The thirty minutes before the doctor comes in feels like hours.

He speaks to them all.

Lois convinces them to go home

Because Lucy is awake.

Because Lucy is going to be under observation for any more seizures.

Because Lucy can’t have visitors the rest of the night.

Because Maggie can’t spend the night in the waiting room, no matter how much she wants to.

Alex texts Kara on the way home, texts Erin.

The first so someone can make sure Maggie is okay.

The second to make sure she’s okay.

Kara is waiting when they get to the apartment. The door doesn’t even close before Alex says she’ll be back, and Maggie freezes.

“Where are you going?”

Alex flounders, searches for an answer, an excuse, a lie.

Maggie scoffs.

Alex flinches.

“If you go get drunk, don’t come back until you’re sober.”

Silence blankets over Alex.

She doesn’t hear the balcony door shut.

She doesn’t hear Kara call after her.

And Alex can’t breath.

And Alex is running.

And Alex is on a beach.

She blinks.  Once. Twice.

It’s her, and the tide, and the sea air.

The moon is reflecting off the water.

Her ass is wet from the waves creeping up to where she sits.

The bottle in her hand is cheap, dark, and unopened.

The bottle in her hand is cheap, dark, and open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?


	16. Chapter 16

Alex shivers. Her fingers dig into her arms as she hugs her knees to her chest.

Water climbs up the sand, just barely reaching her toes before sinking back down.

A hand wraps around the neck of the bottle hanging loosely from her hand, pulls it from her grasp.

“Is it failure now?”

“No.”

“Feels like it.”

J’onn wraps an arm around her shoulders.

“What happened?”

“She’s hurt. She’s dealing with a concussion and the trauma and…” She gestured with her hand. “Everything.”

“Maggie?”

A nod.

“Knows I’m drinking. Can’t go back till I’m sober.”

_ don’t come back _

_ don’t come back _

_ don’t come back _

“So what are you going to do?”

A breath.

“I fucked up.”

“You slipped.”

She jerks away from him, stumbling to her feet, tripping in the sand.

“No!”

Stumbling.

Splashing.

“Say it how it is, J’onn. I fucked up. I. Fucked. Up.”

J’onn stands, steps to her.

“Yes, Alex. You fucked up. What are you going to do about it?”

She freezes, stares, blinks.

Water rises up her shin.

Shivering.

Trembling.

She falls more than she sits, water rising to the small of her back before retreating.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.”

Thoughts, racing and chasing and turning and drowning each other.

_ don’t come back _

_ not good enough _

_ family only _

_ don’t come back _

_ just a fucking drunk _

“Alex, listen to me.”

_ family only _

_ not good enough _

_ just a fucking drunk family only _

_ don’t come back just a fucking drunk not good enough _

“Alex.”

_ family only not good enough family only don’t come back _

_ just a fucking drunk don’t come back just a fucking drunk family only not good enough _

_ family only don’t come back just a fucking drunk family only _

“Alex. Alex. I need you to focus.”

_ just a fucking drunk don’t come back not good enough don’t come back family only just a fucking drunk don’t come back don’t come back don’t comebackdontcomebackdontcomeback _

“Come back to me, Alex. Focus on me.”

A blink.

J’onn is kneeling in front of her. Water laps around them.

“I fucked up.”

“But that doesn’t mean everything is ruined.”

A head shake.

“It isn’t, Alex.” He lets out a breath. A deeper wave washes over them. “We can talk somewhere drier.”

Alex lets him pull her to her feet, lead her away from the water, then falls again, to the dry sand past the line of shells and seaweed marking the reach of high tide.

J’onn sits next to her, their shoulders pressed together.

“Can you text Kara? Let her know you’re alright?”

A blink.

“My phone is…”

She gestures to the ocean with a hand. She had thrown it, drunk and depressed and aggravated by the constant buzzing.

She stares at the water, at the reflections in the waves.

“I don’t want to lose them.”

From their injuries.

Lucy, seizing under her hands

Maggie, still sleeping in the arm chair because of her lungs

From her drinking.

_ don’t come back _

“You won’t.”

She wishes she could believe him.

—

Alex isn’t sure what she expects when she walks into the apartment the next morning.

A cold shoulder

Snarky comments

Anger

Not Maggie’s arms around her neck in a tight hug.

She takes a deep breath as Maggie pulls back, as Maggie glances to J’onn and Vasquez and Erin hovering by the door.

“I guess,” she says, “we should talk.”

Maggie nods.

Kara is in the kitchen.

Alex curls under the disapproval, the disappointment. She doesn’t sit, even as Maggie does, the others retreating to the hallway.

She doesn’t sit, she just paces.

Back and forth

Back and forth

Back and forth

Maggie grabs her hand, stopping her, pulling her down to the couch next to her.

“Talk to me.”

Alex plays with Maggie’s hand in her lap.

The weight on her shoulders grows and grows and grows. Her skin squirms under the attention.

Her hand shakes.

“I’m sorry.”

Maggie’s other hand settles on Alex’s knee. “I know. I’m sorry, too.”

“For what?”

“For what I said. For taking my frustrations out on you like that.”

“No, Maggie…”

“Alex. I…” Maggie sighs, pulling her hand from Alex’s knee and burying it in her own hair. “I’m so frustrated and scared and when Lucy…” She gestures with her hand. “I…I don’t know what to do.”

Alex nods, stares at her hands.

“You can always come here. Okay? No matter what.” Maggie’s fingers thread through Alex’s. “And, really, I would rather you be here than anywhere else.”

Alex closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to start, you know.”

“I know.”

“And I’ve been getting help. I’ve talked to Erin, Vasquez, and J’onn, and Erin took me to this group to help, and I’ve been trying. I really have.”

“I know.” Maggie presses a hand to Alex’s cheek. “I know, Alex. We knew from the beginning this could happen. And Lucy and I said we would be here for you when it does.”

Alex pulls away, retreats, withdraws. “You have your own stuff to deal with right now.”

“Do you think that because you’re dealing with this, you can’t help me or Lucy?”

“What? No.”

“Then let me be here for you as well.”

Alex nods.

—

Lucy is asleep, has been asleep since they arrived. Lois said she would probably sleep most of the visit, that she hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before.

Maggie is asleep, curled in Alex’s lap, feet resting in the other chair as her legs bend over the arms. 

Alex holds her close, twirls some of Maggie’s hair around her fingers, the movement keeping her hand from shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Not really


End file.
